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How’s the Dating Thing Going?

Posted on July 12th, 2010

I felt alone in my marriage for so many years that I thought once I left the nest (so to speak!) I’d be ready to fly pretty quickly.  Turns out you can do only so much healing prior to the divorce – the rest of it happens AFTER the papers are signed.

Although I didn’t feel exactly ready to enter into a committed relationship I did feel ready to have a bit of fun, so last Christmas I put a profile on Plenty of Fish – a free dating site.  It was only several weeks before I “met” a guy – quite by accident.

You are able to narrow your search for a prospective date based on geographical area – among other things.  Somehow I had accidently expanded the search by clicking on a profile.  Then another gentleman came up.  I read through his profile and wanted to write – until I saw that he lived about 3 hours away.

So, tongue in cheek, I wrote and asked if he had a twin brother in my area.  One thing led to another and we became “pen pals”.  He was living and working in Washington DC.  We wrote for four months and I loved it.  I enjoyed our conversations, loved the lack of pressure and the distance and enjoyed his personality.

But when it felt right to talk on the phone he had already started dating someone else he met on Match and wanted to pursue that relationship first.  I understood that and wished him well.

I liked Doug and thought there was real potential there but you can’t cry over spilled milk – cause it won’t put the milk back in the glass.  Not that I wasn’t sad for two months – probably longer than I was sad about the break up of my marriage.

It did teach me that there are more pitfalls to dating than I remembered after 22 years of marriage. And as much as I may be able to imagine what those pitfalls are or learn to recognize them – I still have to experience a few and grieve a little.

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When Dating Isn’t Dating Anymore

Posted on July 1st, 2010

Am I so old that dating has become something entirely different?  I love technology but I don’t really think it belongs in the relationship arena – except to make things a bit easier or more convenient.

For instance, I love my cell phone so I can contact the kids if I’m running late or get directions to the place I’m meeting someone. But when did texting become a means of flirting?

I do like the idea of being able to meet some people online – because I work in a situation where I don’t meet very many new people. And I understand the idea that email for a week, calling for a couple of days and then meeting is a good safe option when you don’t know the man from Adam.  But somehow, in all of the excitement of meeting people or looking through profiles, the whole idea of dating has completely changed.

Now it’s a catalog and not an introduction.  Now there are so many options that it’s too difficult to make a decision.  And without a great picture, aren’t you really just asking for failure?

I would love to meet someone that a friend of mine introduced me to.  Someone who knows someone who I know. The old fashioned way   But that doesn’t appear to be an option at this point.  I’ve actually asked everyone that I know (who is my age-ish) if they know any single/eligible men.  The answer is a resounding “No!”  The men are either married, too young, too old or gay.  None of those categories are acceptable.

So, I am reduced to following the current relationship trend.  According to advertising by Match.com approximately one out five relationships are started online – and many of these lead to marriage.

In preparation for this momentous occasion I made a stop at my friendly neighborhood library and did a quick search online.  I did sign up for Evan Mark Katz ezine and have gained some interesting insight into the male psyche.  All of a sudden, the zero to sixty to zero male behavior makes a bit more sense. (And my sister had some accurate comments about that one too!)

I also saw the movie, “He’s Just Not That In To You,” and thoroughly enjoyed it. It helps to know that it’s nothing personal – it’s just chemistry.  And there are times when we’re just not into them either!

I was watching In Plain Sight the other night (tv show about Witness Protection) and the lead actress was talking to a teen witness.  A comment was made about “still knowing what second base” was.  The teenager leaned in, looking Mary directly in the eye and said, “No, let me tell you . . .” and Mary stopped her – “It can’t have changed all THAT much? Could it? No! No! I don’t want to know.”

And that’s me – dating really hasn’t changed all that much – has it? Cause really, I don’t want to know!

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When Do the Relationship Games Stop?

Posted on January 21st, 2010

I started thinking about some of the head games that both men and women play when they’re dating.  And it suddenly struck me that what I might call a head game, the other person may believe is accommodation.  That’s really not the right word – but it’s kind of what I mean.

Being authentic and transparent leaves you open for criticism and hurt.  So I’m finding that people, especially men, are more interested in accommodating their own feelings while trying to decipher yours.  This makes them manipulative without trying to be hurtful.

In other words, I don’t think people honestly are playing games (FOR THE MOST PART!) but are trying to protect themselves while determining if they are either interested in the other person or are trying to get out of a relationship without too much fuss or in your face confrontation.

For instance, I met this guy several weeks back . . . well, it may have been a couple of months actually.  We talked on the phone several times, emails back and forth and then decided to meet for coffee.  It was a 2 1/2 hour coffee filled with stimulating conversation, laughter and fun.  He gave me this big hug good bye and was gone.

Never to be heard from again.

Was he playing games?  Probably not.  He just didn’t want the confrontation of saying he wasn’t interested and wasn’t kind enough to use email to say the same thing.

The same thing happened this week.  We didn’t meet but had a great conversation on the phone.  He sent several emails expressing a real interest in meeting. I sent another email back that we could set up a meeting the following week?  And haven’t heard back from him in close to a week.

POOF!

I used to think that this type of behavior was people playing games to get what they want – and I do think that there are people playing games for a variety of reasons – but this kind of behavior I BELIEVE is just a result of not wanting any kind of confrontation AND having the luxury of ignoring technology (cells phones, email etc) to attain their goal.

Maybe they changed their mind.  Maybe they met someone else.  Or maybe they just aren’t all that in to me.  But either way you slice it the reality stays the same – and the outcome is the same.  The only thing that is different is me.

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