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It’s A Picture Of How Life Used To Be

Posted on July 31st, 2008

I was standing in the bathroom late last night and I noticed this bottle of bath oil that my oldest daughter had given me for Christmas this last year.

It’s a beautiful bottle of oil.  I have it displayed on the side of the tub so I can see it each time I come in to the bath.

But I’ve never used it.  Even when I was still married I never used it.

I’m not really sure why.  Maybe it’s because it’s so pretty.  But I think the real reason is that it’s because it is so expensive.

I thought maybe it was a picture of how life used to be before the separation and impending divorce.  More money and a lot less financial worries.

But I think instead it’s more about whether or not I feel as if I’m worth it.

Reminds me of those hair color commercials where the beautiful blond (Cybil Shepherd for a while) used to say “But, I’m worth it!”

Feeling worth the expense of clothing, bath oil or great makeup is something you believe about yourself.  The question I struggle with is – how do you believe that you are worth it?

I’ve spent too many years hearing my spouse tell me differently.  Working until I can’t think straight at night.

And now I want to believe that I am worth it.  I know that I am worth it in the eyes of God.  I am His.  But like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman – “It’s easier to believe the bad stuff.”

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What Behavior Is Appropriate and Says Who?

Posted on July 30th, 2008

I was over at my good friends house this afternoon talking about – what else?  Divorce.  She was lamenting her ex’s nasty behavior of late.

Janice began dating again a few weeks ago.  When she and her ex split up it was on New Year’s Eve when he moved out.

He just decided that marriage and multiple children were’t something he wanted to continue working through.

And now that Janice has started dating he also isn’t sure he wants her to be “out there”.

It’s somehow not right, I think.  It was him that left and said good bye to a 16 year marriage.  He had a girlfriend on the side – or so she thinks.

Now he wants to know everything about Janice’s relationship with this other guy.   Not the usual things like – is this serious and how will it affect the children.  But more like – how was the date last night?  Can I meet him? And – let’s talk about this guy.

It seems he would have given up that right when he left.

I could see Allen asking me and going nuts because I left him – but me going nuts over his girlfriend?

So, in a divorce – what behavior is appropriate?  And who gets to decide?

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When Will You Date Again?

Posted on July 29th, 2008

I’ve only been separated for 8 weeks and people are already asking when I’ll start dating again – probably because I was the person who left Allen.  And they all have their own motivations.

My friends have someone they want me to meet.  My family is concerned I’ll start dating too soon and they WANT me to say no (grin).  And my children would like to have a dad who doesn’t yell at them.

I am so grateful for the reading I’ve done, my relationship with Christ and the Divorce Care program.

I know that dating too soon is just a shot of Novocain to numb the pain.  And the pain will just return – but in spades because there will be another person involved at the same time.

My friends mean well.  They just want to see me ‘attached’ to someone because that’s what’s expected.  My family loves me and wants me to heal well before starting over.  And my children want that shot of Novocain because they are hurting – grieving for the father they never really had.

I know the right decision.  My dating days are months, if not years, away.  The divorce must be final and my heart must heal.

In the meantime I have to work harder to find a male role model for the boys and work to repair the tenuous relationship they have with their father by helping them be realistic about their expectations.

I am grateful for the people that God puts in my life to help me through each day.  And I’m grateful when he uses me in small ways to help others.  I know that only by opening up to others will I learn to trust people again.

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