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Where Do I Turn Today?

Posted on August 29th, 2008

This morning I was bent out of shape about my ex’s incomprehensible disability with finances – especially considering WHAT the man does for a living.  He’s left me unable to pay the mortgage payment on time because he just ‘didn’t have time’ to bring over a check.

Of course he’s been here three times this week – just conveniently forgot the checkbook at his home.  Now, I’m reduced to going to his apartment tonight to pick it up.

But then my darling older daughter is throwing a fit over not being able to hang out at a local coffee shop with this boy she knew from her job this summer while I went grocery shopping.

In fact the fit got so bad that she spent the 45 mintues I was in the store closeted in a bathroom stall, canceling her plans for this evening with her friend.

When she finally came out she was straight faced and sullen.

It’s difficult but I’m giving her space – in her bedroom for the rest of the day.

The kids she met at her job this summer have had a real negative influence on her behavior and her thoughts.  It seems strange to me that she feels she has ‘matured’ over the summer when in fact she’s taken about three steps backward.  She’s making poor decisions and has developed a mouth that a sailor would find impressive.

Not only do I need counseling but the kids do also – it’s mind bending and emotionally draining to keep up with each of the four of them, where they are and support their emotional pain when I can’t seem to figure out which end is up for me.

And, oh ya, I have to keep my company running smoothly or there won’t BE money for groceries!

I think once I reach the single mom stage – without the raw emotion of the divorce process – I’ll have this whole thing down pat.

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I Used To Think . . .

Posted on August 28th, 2008

that if I worried I didn’t trust God.

that if I worked and didn’t worry then I wasn’t being productive.

that if I trusted God then I could sit on the couch and wait for things to happen.

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I was one mixed up puppy.  I struggle with the concept of finances; being the sole support for 4 children and having no safety net over which I work.

And I worried about how I would make ends meet every month.  But for the past three months God has been faithful and I make ends meet.

Which is interesting because God is always faithful to His Word – it’s me who isn’t.

But said another way – we’ve had food on the table and the house mortgage is paid.  In fact all the bills are paid.  And I tithe.  So I’m really not sure where it’s all coming from.  But I’m not questioning – just learning to trust.

So, when I trust – now I work too.  And I consciously work at not worrying.  Because when I worry I don’t trust God.  And God is faithful.

I may not have everything I WANT but I certainly have everything I NEED and then some.

I’m grateful that He is in control because by now I’d have botched it worse than I already have.

My newest goal in my list of things to remember is that

- I can work without worry and my business will grow

- I can take a night off occasionally to sit with the kids and my business won’t fail

- I can trust that my God is with me every step of the way

- I still need counseling

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I Think It’s Time For Counseling After Divorce

Posted on August 27th, 2008

I thought I was doing fine.  In fact, I thought I was doing more than fine.  With all the stress that I’ve been under – Allen’s completely inappropriate behavior while he sorts out this divorce, financial issues, the children’s reaction to the situation and my own grieving over the loss of this marriage.

It’s strange because I’ve been looking forward to this time for 3 years.  I’ve been planning and dreaming about being free – and the free part feels good.  But the part about breaking up a 22 year marriage doesn’t.  Coupled with my complete lack of respect and feelings for the man I was married to makes for some weird emotional cocktail.

So I was talking with my best friend today who finally broke down and told me I had to get some help.  Living on the emotional edge of a cliff isn’t healthy for anyone she said.  I should find someone to talk with.  And so I informed her I had – it was her

After losing it completely and wiping away tears from laughing she said she meant a professional!

So I said – what about Divorce Care?  And she said . . .

“Divorce Care is more of an educational experience and not a way to get counseling (true!).  Think about it – you watch movies, hold hands and sing Coombyah.”!!!!

OK – maybe you just had to be there – stressed out, listening to the baby crying, the youngest boy screaming over tennis shoes, the oldest girl with a sullen face for the past 4 days because she was returning to school and three large spider bites on the neck that was casusing pain each time I turned my head.

Maybe it took standing on the ledge to think that statement was hysterical.  So much so that tears were running down my face.

And, maybe professional counseling wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

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