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I Just Called To Check In

Posted on September 26th, 2008

About 10 years ago we had an argument.  It wasn’t about the usual things that married people argue about.  It wasn’t about money, sex or the children.  Instead it was about whether or not he could call me during the day to say ‘hi!”

He used to do that all the time.  Just a quick 2 minute conversation.  Nothing really special.  Of course as the years passed those called weren’t everyday anymore – more like once or twice a week.  But they still came and they were a very pleasant part of the week for me.

Then they stopped all together.  No more calls.  If I needed to ask a question about driving or needed him to help because of a doctors visit he wasn’t even available on his cell phone.  Sometimes his secretary could get him on the phone and sometimes she couldn’t.

I’d ask him to call me.  Just to check in once in a while and he’d tell me that he was just too busy, every day, all day.

Two summers later we visited his brother and sister-in-law.  When they heard his excuse for not calling they literally laughed in his face.  Probably didn’t do anything to help matters.

When we got home I made him a deal.  If he called I’d make a hot meal for dinner.  If he didn’t call then the kids got the hot meal at lunch and he could make do when he got home.

This went on for SIX MONTHS.  Did I mention I am stubborn? For six months he didn’t call me once.  For six months he ate a toasted bagel or plain bread for dinner.  And for six months he acted as if nothing was wrong or different.

He didn’t work late at night.  He wasn’t working weekends.  He just didn’t call.  He was more stubborn.

I finally gave in and just started making dinner.  No fan fare, no comment, no fight.  I just started making dinner.

He didn’t acknowledge I had stopped or started making dinner.  Life just went on.

And it was at that point that I knew that no matter what words left his mouth he was either unwilling or unable to show me any respect or caring.

And no matter how good things got for a short period of time I always knew he’d revert back to his usual behavior.   I treasured the good times and suffered through the bad.  But don’t we all?

Now that we’ve been separated for almost 4 months he’s now calling ‘just to see how your day is going. . .”

I should have left him years ago – we may have been able to save the marriage.

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We’re Not Dating

Posted on September 25th, 2008

At what point do you set boundaries when you want something from someone?

I want something and I’m willing to compromise to some degree but at what point do you finally say “No!”

What I want is a solid resolution to the divorce.  One that is in mine and the children’s favor.  One that doesn’t drag on for months and months and months.  One that is clean.

And it feels like we’re almost there.  We met last weekend and finalized the information for the separation and parenting agreements but he still hasn’t turned these back to his attorney (the next step in our process).  I’m not sure what he’s waiting for.

And today I had to ask to be sure to get his support check by Friday because the checking account is rather slim pickings.  Would he bring it by this evening when he brings the kids home and I won’t deposit it until Saturday am?

His response?  Well, could we meet for dinner again on Friday evening and he’ll give it to me then.

Thankfully I have a bad cold and am just over the fevers.  So I got to say no because I haven’t worked well all week and would probably be recuperating and trying to work all day Friday as well.

We aren’t dating.  He wishes we were.  I want this finalized.

At what point do I just enough is enough?  It’s getting more and more difficult to walk a line between being cordial and nice without lying about my intentions.  So far I haven’t lied.  I told him I want this divorce to move forward in my life.  And if he’s a part of it later then so be it.  But right now I need a divorce to put distance between myself and our past.

At some point I’m going to have to just say no without explanation and set better boundaries.  But for now I appear to be getting what I need.

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The Ups and Downs of a Relationship

Posted on September 18th, 2008

Relationships are interesting.  They have their ups and downs.  Some days you get along and other days you want to squeeze the other guy’s throat.  It’s that way when you’re married or divorced.  I sometimes even want to get off the phone with my best friend cause she’s driving me nuts.

But she feels the same way about me too.

Remembering that normal ebb and flow of relationships I’m finding is important going through this process.  I know that my ex is interested in restoring a relationship later and that’s why his behavior is so much better now.  It’s interesting that the kids aren’t taken in by any changes in his behavior.

And that the changes he exhibits are only for an hour or two a couple of times a week when we see him.

Remembering how things were before and not trusting him now isn’t difficult now.  How will it be in 6 months or a year when I’m more emotionally drained from being a single parent?

I know I’ll have a couple of people who remember and hopefully they’ll remind me.

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