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Getting Under the Family’s Skin

Posted on March 18th, 2009

When we were kids my mom used to tell us that “Guests, like fish, stink after 3 days.”  Well, after 9 days with my sister, I believe we’re beginning to stink

Thankfully we’ve been close for years and should be able to ride through this bump in the road.  But it does convince me that we have over stayed our welcome and should schedule shorter visits, more often.

She and her husband would never tell us to go home – and they miss the children terribly when we leave.  But, dragging five people – plus a large dog and guinea pig – into the lives of two people can get a bit tense.

We all do things a bit differently.  There are two teens who vascilate between being loud and sullen.  They are either opening their mouths when they shouldn’t or not answering when spoken to.  The 12 year old is like the energizer bunny – too much energy and no where to put it.  And the baby is getting more attention – and now demanding more too.

We leave in just a couple of days and then all of our lives will be back to normal.  The teens can be sullen in their own room and back talk their friends – leaving their good behavior for the house.  My 12 year old will once again run the neighborhood.  And the little girl will be back at pre-school in the mornings and terrorizing her own home in the afternoons.

I love my sister and her husband, and I can’t wait to come and visit again.  But after opening my mouth once too often today – I think I need to practice more restraint.

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Traveling Again

Posted on March 11th, 2009

I am blessed to have a sister who lives close by.   It takes us about 6 hours to get to her home.  Traveling with four children, a 90 pound dog and a bitty guinea pig, the car can get a bit cramped.

This trip I asked the kids to pack the least amount possible.  But, even with just three suitcases for the humans we still had two coolers with dog food (he eats whole food), an air bed, guinea pig litter, the guinea pig cage, scooters, helmets, basketball ladder, toys for the younger one, food for the trip, specialty food I brought for her, a large fan and about 3 bags of school books for the 10 days we’d be gone.  (more about the fan another time)

So, when spring break offered the opportunity for me to pack up the van for one more trip, I grabbed it.

Everyone needs a place where they can relax and unwind.  And, as a single parent, it’s especially important to have that place in your life.

You know, a place where you are accepted.  A place where your children are cared for and you can leave behind the worries of parenting, finances, business and school.

I have my place.

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Taking Care of Myself

Posted on March 3rd, 2009

I’ve been reading more lately than I had in the past seven years.

OK – so two book constitutes a 200% increase over the number of books I’ve read in the past seven years.  And that is pretty sad.

I’m learning that I have to take care of myself, because if I don’t, there isn’t anyone else who will be taking care of the children.  I live in a city where I have no family and my friends are struggling just as hard as I am – many of them single moms or single moms with dad still living in the house (read: he brings home a paycheck and sits on the couch).

What I’m also struggling with is why my ex can’t seem to take care of himself.  Why he thinks that I’m still available to make him feel better, get his prescriptions refilled and find him another doctor.

Maybe it’s because I’m still picking up the pieces so the children have a father around whenever he feels like he wants to visit them.

Just recently (January) his doctor instituted this new program which my ex didn’t want to participate in so he (the ex) left the practice.  The ex also takes two medications for depression and anxiety that must be refilled.  I talked with him about finding a new doctor and sent him some names in December.

He thought about calling his doctor in December and getting a 30 day supply called to the pharmacy so he had 30 days to renew the medications.

Then two days ago (END of February) he calls in tears that he didn’t call a doctor and hasn’t been on his meds for over a week.  Of course during that week he was out of town with the two boys and drove them back late on Friday (arrived home at 1am)   – Let’s not talk about responsibility now, OK?

And, he tells me, that he’s thinking about suicide again.

Allow me to digress for a moment here.  This is something that he’s been doing for 15 years.  The first five times he told me he was “thinking” about suicide I made him sign a contract, got him an immediate appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist (depending upon the city where we were living) and helped them adjust his medication.

Each of those time coincided to slow times at work when this type of behavior wouldn’t interfere with his production.  I don’t mean to be harsh – and for the first 15 years of this I wasn’t at all – but I’ve come to realize that he is playing me, the children and everyone around him.

The other day the Recovery Minister from our church told me that he and the ex were working together.  We had gone to this man for counseling twice over the past seven years.  And the ex never did anything that anyone recommended for longer than 2 months.  The Recovery Minister looked hopeful when he told me that they had met and discussed a plan.  After seven years, and knowledge of the 15 years before that, you’d think he’d have a better handle on reality.  I know that with God all things are possible – but first the ex has to LET God work.

I guess that was a long digression.

I ended up sending him 10 referrals to doctors from which he could choose and he ended up calling me last night just to tell me that he had an appointment.  Like I’m his best friend.  He hasn’t called his attorney in 2 weeks.  The paperwork continues to be hung up and he told me that if he drags his feet long enough I may change my mind.

When Hell freezes over.

The point I’m trying to get to is – HOW is it that I have to be responsible, pick up the pieces, take care of myself and generally be an adult but this guy skates?

Apparently I’m not as past the anger as I thought I was.

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